A Very Hamtaro Satire
by flashfox
Summary: A basic satire of the Hamtaro show. Please R&R (Chapter 10 up!)
1. Digital Cable

My first Hamtaro fanfic (I bet you're used to people saying something like that by now.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Hamtaro the tv show and if you sew me, it would be friggin stupid cause this is none profit, a sign of fan appreciation, and most or all of the people who read these don't own Hamtaro so it's a very likely chance that you don't own Hamtaro either.

A Very Hamtaro Satire

by flashfox (duh)

Episode One: Digital Cable

(Hamtaro and Laura are sleeping when the alarm goes off. The floor shakes as the loud alarm sounds off. Laura reaches out for the alarm clock. Hamtaro is running around the cage panically.)

Hamtaro: Aaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!! Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Woman and Hams first!

(The floor under the night stand that the alarm clock is on gives way. Soon after, Laura's mom turns it off.)

Laura's mom: Breakfast is ready Laura!

Laura: OK! (Faces Hamtaro) Sorry I can't take you to breakfast with me, Hamtaro. (Runs down stairs.)

Hamtaro: (Thinks to self) Man, she really likes saying that.

(Laura runs back up.)

Laura: Sorry, I forgot to tell you what I'm doing today so it would lead you to a looney adventure with your other Hamster friends that I'm not supposed to know about.

Hamtaro: Heke?

Laura: Awww darn... I caught you outside your cage yesterday... Looks like I'm caught. Oh well, you can't do anything about...

(A flash is seen. Hamtaro is seen with sunglasses and a nurolizer in hand. He puts away nurolizer and sunglasses.)

Hamtaro: You were digging up worms at the park and eating them. That is all you did yesterday.

Laura: See ya Hamtaro! (Runs down stairs. A faint "Hi mom, I want worms for breakfast" and a loud thud is heard. Hamtaro sneaks out of his cage and goes down the rain pipe like he dose in every episode. When Hamtaro lands, he is in a wet dark place.)

Hamtaro: Where am I?

(Hamtaro feels sharp teeth with his right paw.)

Hamtaro: Shucks! Brandy slept with his mouth open again!

(It didn't take long for Brandy to yawn which made it perfect for Hamtaro's excape.)

Oxnard: Hi Hamtaro. Brandy slept with his mouth open again?

Hamtaro: Yep...

(They take a tunnel to the clubhouse by passing disgusting parasites that seem to have not moved since Hamtaro and Oxnard first walk through it.)

Oxnard: I haven't had a meal in 2 minutes, I'm starving!

Hamtaro: Don't worry, we are almost there.

(Hamtaro opens the door to the clubhouse. All the Hams are huddled around something. Music is heard.)

Hamtaro and Oxnard: Heke?

(The get a closer looks, they see Ham tap dancers on a tv screen. This only deepens their confusion.)

Bijou: He's so graceful!

Hamtaro: heke?

(The tap dancer falls.)

Everyone: Gasp!

Bob Saget: (In tv) Wow that was the funniest home video ever!

(All the Ham-Hams are panicking to find the remote. Boss grabs the remote and changes the channel. Everyone sighs in relief. The screen shows the back of their heads.)

Everyone: Heke?

(The Ham-Hams look for where the camera maybe. Boss takes out a book and messes with it.)

Boss: It's the book!

Everyone: Gasp! Destroy it!

(Boss lays it on the floor and hacks it with a pick ax. The picture on the screen still remains.)

Dexter: Ummm... Boss... That wasn't it...

Boss: I know, I've been wanting to destroy this annoying book for weeks!

Maxwell: (Bends down over remains of book and cries.)

Boss: Oh come on, it's just a book!

Maxwell: Don't tell me it's just a book! It's the best book in the world and you don't appreciate it! (Raises shovel.)

Boss Oh no!

(Maxwell hits Boss over the head with the shovel.)

Sandy: Maxwell... how could you...

Maxwell: He destroyed the book!

Sandy: You mean the one you were holding in your arm the whole time?

Maxwell: Why yes... Doh!

Dexter: What should we do with Boss?

(Boss walks in.)

Boss: Hey guys, I went to get some... Woah, what did you do with my stunt double?

Everyone: Heke?

Meanwhile...

Kana: I can't believe you had worms for lunch

Laura: It tastes like chicken.

(Travis walks up to them.)

Travis: Hi Laura! I'm here to pretend I don't know you have a huge crush on me.

Laura: Heka?

Kana: People don't say Heka Laura...

Travis: Man, me and my big mouth, I read your diary earlier and...

(A flash is seen, Laura and Kana are both wearing sunglasses. Laura is holding a Nurolizer. They put that stuff away.)

Laura: You didn't read my diary, you were just thinking of asking me to eat with you sometime.

Travis: maybe we can eat together sometime, bye Laura! (Runs off)

Kana: You and Mr. Perfect!

Laura: Ya!

Kana: Hey, I've been wondering, why is the fic showing what is happening now?

Laura: It's in my contract.

Kana: That is so cool!

Meanwhile...

Boss: I see you guys saw my new big screen tv. I bought it for 800 sunflower seeds in celebration of just getting my digital cable hooked up!

Everyone: Yay!

(They all sit around the tv.)

Boss: Let's view the digital tv guide for what's on.

(Boss presses a button on the remote and the guide appears on the screen.)

Howdy: Wow, 800 hundred channels and nothing to watch...

All the Ham girls: No fashion channel? (Storms out of the club house.)

Boss: Glad they left, this is when the real fun starts!

Everyone but Boss: Heka?

(Boss Changes it to the Ham-Boy Channel.)

Everyone: (Sweat drop)

Later on in Laura's room...

Laura: (Thinking to herself what she is writing in her journal.) I ate allot of worms today! Travis asked me if I can eat with him some time!

Hamtaro: (Thinks) Telling from my super power of being able to read your mind to find out what you are writing, you had a good day. Mine was long and pointless, and wish I didn't watch the Ham-boy channel so much for I'm feeling woozy...

Laura: Today was a good day, and tomorrow will be much better!

Hamtaro: Hope so.... I mean Heke

The end of chapter one, stay tuned for a chapter two hopefully. 


	2. Hamtaro's Guitar

Disclaimer: I don't own Hamtaro and I'm not making any money off this, so stop calling me at 3 AM you inconsiderate jerk! Oh wait, you're not the tele-marketer... My bad.  


  
**A Very Hamtaro Satire  
**By flash_fox  


  
Episode 2: Hamtaro's Guitar  
(Hamtaro and Laura wake to the alarm which now resides in the basement.)  
Laura: (yawn) Another day to pretend I enjoy school...  
Hamtaro: (Yawn) I hope she is over that worm obsession...  
Laura: Don't worry, I am.  
Hamtaro: Heke?  
Laura: Nothing, I didn't hear you say anything. (leaves the room singing) Nobody loves me, Everybody hates me, I'm ganna eat some worms.  
Hamtaro: (sweat drop. Then he heads for the hole in the wall and goes down the drain pipe. He slides into something black in hairy. He lands on Brandy with the thing.) What are you?  
The thing: I'm the itsy bitsy spider, who else? (climbs back up the rain pipe.)  
Jingle: (Sings out of tune) What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk away?  
Hamtaro: Yes (Stands up and begins to walk away.)  
Jingle: Wait Hamtaco!  
Hamtaro: It's Hamtaro!  
Jingle: Changed your name again? I dig that. Well any ways, I'm going through a not yet mid-life crisis.  
Hamtaro: Heke?  
Jingle: I'm becoming a rapper, I want you to have my guitar.  
Hamtaro: Heke?  
Jingle: (hands it to Hamtaro and runs off.)  
Hamtaro: hmmm... (plays it) Ooooh!  
  
(All the Ham-hams except Hamtaro and Cappy is at the clubhouse.)  
Cappy: (Runs into he clubhouse. He is very excited.)  
Boss: Why are you so excited?  
Cappy: I think I'm in love!  
Boss: Oh yeah? Who you are in love with?  
Cappy: Her name is Lady Magnus Prime!  
Boss: That's an odd name...  
Bijou: I know of her.  
Boss: You do?  
Bijou: Oh yeah! She reviews my best works!  
Boss: What?  
Oxnard: How do you know it's a girl?  
Cappy: Dude, I'm straight...  
Bijou: Her name is **Lady** Magnus Prime...  
Oxnard: So?  
Boss: So who is this Lady Magnus Prime?  
(Hamtaro enters the clubhouse, he sports Jingle's guitar.)  
Bijou: (Flirtous) Oh Hamtaro, Lady Magnus Prime think we could be a perfect couple!  
Boss: Who's Lady Magnus Prime? Wait... you were just flirting with him!  
Bijou: uh... no...  
Boss: Better not.  
Hamtaro: (Starts to play guitar) Hey look! I can do country!  
(Everyone falls over.)  
Pashmina: I'm going to Lady Magnus Prime's house.  
Boss: Who is Lady Magnus Prime!  
(Pashmina goes out the door.)  
Hamtaro: I can now be a rock star!  
Howdy: Why would you want to be a star made of rock?  
Everyone except Howdy: (sweat drop)  
Hamtaro: (Plays Elvis' "Burning Love")  
Bijou: Ooooh! I love this song!  
Boss: (devious smile. Starts to sing with Hamtaro.)  
Stan: Geeze... I can't take that! I'm going off to hit on Lady Magnus Prime. (runs out the door)  
Cappy: Hey that's my girl! (Chases after)  
Boss: Who's Lady Magnus Prime!?  
Hamtaro: (singing) I feel my temperature rising!  
  
Meanwhile...  
Laura: Hey Kana! I got a new book!  
Kana: Yeah? What is it?  
Laura: It's called "One Fine Day" by Lady Magnus Prime.  
Boss: Who's Lady Magnus Prime!?  
Laura: Who was that?  
Kana: Who knows?  
Script Writer: I do!  
Laura: Shut up...  
Travis: Hey Laura!  
Laura: (Blushes) hi...  
Travis: Hey Laura!  
Laura: Hi  
Travis: Hey Laura!  
Laura: Hey  
Travis: Hey Laura!  
Laura: ...  
Travis: Hey Laura! (Eye pops out, smoke comes out of his head.)  
Laura: ...  
Kana: Wow, he's a robot! I always thought he was too perfect...  
Laura: So that means I was in love with a robot this time?  
Kana: Hey, see it this way, now you can honestly say you love technology.  
Laura: I could be a technician!  
Kana: That's so cool!  
  
Later in the club house...  
Hamtaro: Thank you, thank you very much.  
Stan: Geeze... he's only doing it to get some...  
Sandy: Watch your mouth stan!  
Stan: That's it! Hamtaro, I challenge you to a duel!  
Hamtaro: Heke?  
Stan: You heard me! Your guitar, against mine. (whips out a guitar everyone gasps.)  
Hamtaro: I except!  
(Hamtaro and Stan begin to jam.)  
Cappy: Wow, look at them go!  
  
20 Minutes Later...  
Stan: Geeze... this is intense... (faints)  
Hamtaro: Yeah! (smashes guitar on floor.) Oops. Oh well, no more of that habit.  
Jingle: (Walks in the room.) Hey, I'm out of the not so mid-life crisis. I would like my guitar back. (sees it) Ack!  
Hamtaro: Uh oh...  
  
Later in Laura's room...  
Laura: Hamtaro! Are you ready for journal time?  
Hamtaro: (has bruises all over him.)  
Laura: Oh crap... Mom! Hamtaro got in a fight with a wonderer again!  
Hamtaro: doh...  
  
Dedicated to Lady Magnus Prime who reviewed most of my recent stories. And note to Lady Magnus: Please don't harm me...  
Boss: Who is Lady Magnus Prime?!


	3. Diamonds of Sugar

Disclaimer: I don't own Hamtaro, and if I did I would be sewing you haha!  
  
Voice: We interrupt this fan fic for a live news break!  
Voice: The writer of the fic, flashfox has just been hospitalized!  
(FF is being wheeled in to the emergency room)  
Surgeon: What is wrong?  
Nurse: He has been acting strange all day and then he just fainted in the evening  
Surgeon: What did he do?  
Nurse: He spent 5 hours trying to perfect his theory on why Snoozer's always asleep, then he spent 3 hours complaining to a Boss/Bijou supporter who Bijou should go with. Then he spent the rest of the day wondering who Pashmina should go out with.  
Surgeon: My god, must be the worst case of No-Life Syndrome I've ever seen!  
(They hook FF up to the machine. The meter is going crazy.)  
Nurse: Maybe 50 cc of "That 70's Show" would help?  
Surgeon: Anything with moral value will only make it worse!  
Nurse: Then what do you suggest doctor?  
Surgeon: Get 20 cc of "Jerry Springer", stat!  
Nurse: But...  
Surgeon: Now!  
(The nurse gets out the shot full of Jerry Springer. The Surgeon injects it in FF. FF's heart goes to normal.)  
  
(The next day, FF wakes. The nurse enters the room.)  
Nurse: Ah, I see your awake. You've suffered through the "No-Life Syndrome". It's where you take every show way to seriously. Now I'm going to have to prescribe some medication...  
FF: I don't need any (bleep)king medication.  
Nurse: What?  
FF: Why do I need any (bleep)king medication? I mean, what the (bleep) is that about?  
Nurse: Doctor! He's suffering the side effects!  
FF: I'll show you side effects! (Throws a chair)  
Voice: Now back to your featured program.  
  
  
A Very Hamtaro Satire  
By flash_fox  
  
Episode 3: Diamonds of Sugar  
(Laura and Kana are hanging out in Laura's room eating diamonds of sugar.)  
Kana: Wow, these are delicious, where do you buy them?  
Laura: Not if front of Hamtaro.  
Kana: You're still taunting him about him not being allowed to eat them cause he's a hamster? I thought we decided to stop doing that 30 minutes ago.  
Laura: I know, it's just so much fun!  
Hamtaro: (Thinks) When will you girls go to bed already! It's 3 AM for crying out loud!  
Laura: Well I better go to bed, I have school tomorrow.  
Kana: Me too.  
Hamtaro: Yes!  
Kana: Gotta get to school on time so you can run into Travis.  
Laura: (Blushes) ha ha, very funny.  
Kana and Laura: (goes on talking about Travis.)  
Hamtaro: Doh!  
  
(The next morning...)  
(Laura's mother comes running upstairs.)  
Laura's Mother: Hamtaro, don't you think you'll be late for the clubhouse?  
Hamtaro: (Wakes in Laura's bed, looks at alarm clock.) Ack! I must be turning off the alarm clock in my sleep! (Runs down stairs) Oxnard is probably still waiting for me. Bye mom!  
Laura's mom: Don't you think you should get something to eat?  
Hamtaro: No time for that! Got to go! (Runs off to the clubhouse.)  
Laura: (Gets out of Hamtaro's cage. She dresses real quick. She moves the bed so she can get through it. She climbs out a hole her size and slides down a drainpipe the size of an air vent Brandy moves his head seconds before Laura lands.)  
Laura: See ya later Brandy. (And walks off towards school.)  
  
(Later...)  
(Laura enter class with an unhappy face.)  
Travis: This isn't your happy face...  
Laura: I kept Hamtaro up all night, I felt really cocky so I taunted him with diamonds of sugar all night.  
Mr. Yoshi: Hamsters do need a total of 8 hours of sleep or they could get sick.  
Fat kid who ripped Kana's drawing of Oxnard in "Be Brave Cappy": Agh! My stomach!  
  
(Meanwhile, in the clubhouse...)  
Maxwell: So how are you today, Sandy? You seemed preoccupied last night.  
Sandy: I was thinking of my accomplishments and how much I was proud of them.  
Maxwell: WHAT! YOUR CONTRACTED TO A CHANNEL FAMOUS FOR THREE KINDERGARTNERS WITH SUPER POWERS, A COW AND ROOSTER WITH THE SAME PARENTS, 5 SECRET AGENT KIDS, AND A DOG WHO IS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING! AND YOUR SAYING YOUR PROUD OF THAT?  
Sandy: I ment in gymnastics, but I guess I'm proud of that too...  
Maxwell: Good  
Cappy: I've got an adventure for us all to participate in! It'll be a load of fun! It is...  
Hamtaro: (Bursts into the room.) We must get those diamonds of sugar, Laura's been taunting me about them all night!  
Cappy: Spoke to late...  
Pashmina: I thought we weren't ganna mention that unless if Boss is going on a very dangerous rescue missions like in "Bijou's In Danger."  
Penelope: Ook you!  
Oxnard: Wasn't it "Look out Bijou!"  
Pashmina: Nope  
Panda: I thought it was "Operation Bijou".  
Pashmina: No, "Operation Bijou" is another fic written by flash_fox  
Oxnard: Isn't that the one where Bijou is kidnapped by a ham mafia which is run by two notorious brothers?  
Cappy: and Raymond, a guy who chooses to help us ham hams has to even go against his own brother for his brother is part of the mafia?  
Panda: All in part that the mafia is really after something that can determine the fate of the world?  
Pashmina: Yep  
Stan: Wow, this fic sounds real cool! Where can I find such a tale?  
Sandy: Easy, just go to the Hamtaro section of fanfiction.net and look for "Operation Bijou".  
Boss: (corny) Read it today! (Big smile with sparkle)  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
Laura: What's wrong with the fat kid who ripped Kana's drawing of Oxnard in "Be Brave Cappy"?  
Kana: I dunno  
Laura: Why don't we just ask him?  
Kana: The dude I ment in Casablanca, Africa (If miss-spelled, I don't care.) said I should always stay away from the fat kid.  
Laura: I think he ment the fat man...  
Kana: Hey, your right! How did you know what he said?  
Laura: Saw it in a movie once, come on!  
(Laura and Kana go over to the fat kid who ripped Kana's drawing of Oxnard in "Be Brave Cappy".)  
Laura: Hey fat kid who ripped Kana's drawing of Oxnard in "Be Brave Cappy", are you ok?  
the fat kid who ripped Kana's drawing of Oxnard in "Be Brave Cappy": My stomach hurts from eating to many twinkies...  
Kana: (Looks at rappers.) Those weren't Twinkies... (Wields a rapper, appears to be for yellow toy cars.)  
The fat kid who ripped Kana's drawing of Oxnard in "Be Brave Cappy": I was wondering where the cream filling was...  
Laura: I know what will cure him, we will fatten him yogurt!  
Kana: That's so cool!  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
(The ham hams enter Laura's room.)  
Hamtaro: Now here is the plan, we climb up along the sides of the book case and we push the jar onto a pillow!  
Boss: You mean we can climb the book case?  
Hamtaro: Yes  
Boss: Then how come we didn't do that before?  
Hamtaro: ummmm...  
  
(Later in the club house...)  
Boss: Woo! Now we finally have those diamonds of sugar!  
(They let loose some onto the floor.)  
Everyone: yay!  
(For a long moment, the hams just stand around with happy faces on.)  
Hamtaro: So... What do we do with them again?  
Everyone: (Sweat drop)  
Sandy: I know! They are used as soccer balls. Hamtaro, get ready for a pass! (Kicks hard towards Hamtaro.)  
Hamtaro: What? (Gets hit in the head with the diamond of sugar.)  
(Everyone crowds around Hamtaro.)  
Sandy: I'm so sorry...  
Boss: Maybe you should go home.  
Hamtaro: ok, I am a little tired any ways. (leaves)  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
(The fat kid who ripped Kana's drawing of Oxnard in "Be Brave Cappy" sits in a lazy boy watching the game while Laura and Kana search the fridge.)  
Kana: I think I found it! (Lifts up a tube)  
Laura: No! We are looking for Yogurt, not Gogurt!  
Kana: oh... Sorry...  
(Hamtaro climbs up the front porch.)  
Kana: I thought your Hamster comes home later...  
  
('cause of the fact that this is parodying "Get Well Laura" and I don't feel like going on, you can see the episode yourself to find out what happens next. For now, I'll just cut to the journal log in, and because of certain difficulties, we had to shorten it.)  
  
Hamtaro: Heke?  
  
(Oh well, who cares any ways?)


	4. TV Hamsters

Disclaimer: I don't own Hamtaro and I'm not making any money off this. I wish I was, then a great reviewer would review my work and suggest me to a writer's academy where I shall pass the class. Then I'll write my own tv show about a ferret named Bob and a shrimp named Canteir where they go on insane adventures through the land of socks. After making a million dollars off that, I'll make a new show about identecal twins both named Yeller and they would battle an evil monster named "The Fairy". Oh don't let the name fool you, if you get on her bad side, she'll clobber you with a fairy dust attack. When that made me a trillion bucks, I'll sell the bucks to the nearest wildlife reserve and get a million for it. Then I make a show about german ninjas with french accents, they start a pizza food chain called "We've Got Rats". Aparently, that show gets cancelled cause the animal protection thing thought it was too cruel to serve rats on pizza. Then I spend all my money on Cow pie bingo where the chips are biodegratable. I go into a deep depression. Soon, I wanted to end it all, my English roomate found me dead with Toon Disney on the tv. "Good thing it was Hurculies" the English roomate will say "101 Dalmations the tv show would of been a slow death". Well I guess my main point and this is a round about way of saying this is I DON'T OWN HAMTARO!  
  
A Very Hamtaro Satire  
By flash_fox  
  
Episode 4: TV Hamsters  
(The alarm sounds off, Laura dosn't wake. The Alarm plays "Who Let the Dogs Out". Laura wakes and turns it off real fast.)  
Laura: (yawns) Good Morning Hamtaro!  
Hamtaro: Good Morning Laura!  
Laura: Well I got to go to school so we can end this pointless introduction to an episode.  
Hamtaro: I strongly agree.  
Laura: (Dresses and leaves)  
Hamtaro: Now my great excape that I do every morning! (Goes his ussaul route, but instead of landing on the pet dog, he lands into an empty Brandy Bottle.) Where is the real Brandy?  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
(Brandy is at a beach hotel posing for Lucky Dog dog treat comercial with six french poodles.)  
Brandy: (In deep smooth accent) Do you really think I would sleep through an oportunity like this in the dog race episode? I was so faking it to get Boss and Oxnard out of there. (Eats a treat and smiles for the camera)  
  
(Back at the clubhouse...)  
Maxwell: (Holding remote, pointing how the club house got flooded in "The Clubhouse In Danger") and that's how the clubhouse was flooded.  
Cappy: But who was the big guy with the sunglasses?  
Boss: (wispers in Cappy's ear) He's the Mole  
Cappy: Oh  
Oxnard: Oh no! I lost another seed!  
Pashmina: Not again...  
Boss: This looks like a job for... (puts on detectives clothes) Matboss!  
Stan: Oh no, not the Matlock rip off again...  
Boss: (looks around the room from one spot) I don't see it from a distance...  
Hamtaro: I see it!  
Boss: You do?  
Hamtaro: You're standing on it  
Boss: (looks down) Oh so I am... I thought standing here was like a balancing act...  
Oxnard: Oh Hamtaro! You found my seed! You're the greatest!!!  
Hamtaro: It was nothing.  
Cappy: Come on everybody, I'll make us some food!  
Boss: You've got to be joking! I do all the cooking around here!  
Cappy: I'm sick of your cooking, I want to cook!  
(Boss and Cappy angry eye)  
Maxwell: Come on guys, there is a better why to resolve this. You'll both cook for us and find out who's best at the same time!  
Cappy and Boss: What is it?  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
Mr. Yoshi: Ok class. As you know, I hosted a play last night and one of the actors forgot a line while on set. So I spent the night at the jail for wacking him over the head with a 2 by 4 and I'm only here because I'm an excaped convict. Seeya class! (Jumps out the window).  
Kana: now what are we going to do?  
Laura: (Looks behind her. Notices the kid sitting behind who has a wierd dazed look on his face.) Hey, Kana, have you noticed this kid behind me?  
Kana: Why yes, he's always had that wierd dazed look on him  
Laura: Hello kid with wierd expression on face. (Grabs hand to shake it. Gasps) He's dead!  
Kana: Gasp!  
Travis: Gasp!  
Flash_fox: Gasp!  
(ferensic files theme plays)  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
Voice: One apon a time, cheif master Maxwell created a master kitchen, and he secretly choosen what he calls "The Iron Cheif Hams", an elite group of cheif hamsters. They will be challenged and those who defeat them shall go down in cheif history. Tonight Iron cheif Boss shall be challenged by Challenger Cappy.  
  
Boss is a moderate tunnel digger who has been named field hamster of the year by himself twice which gained him must self-respect and self-fame, but he didn't discover his cooking talent until he discovered the ham hams. His works with the average sunflower seed gave him the name "Sunshiney Boss" which he dosn't like to be called. He collects all his ingredients himself.  
  
Cappy lives in a pet shop where he learned the fine art of hamster treats. He is a master of anything made in any kind or pot. What? You didn't think he only used them for hats did ya? He is the king of the saucer, and he is treated like a king back in his nice little cage. But today, he'll meet his toughest challenge yet as he faces off with Boss.  
  
Maxwell: (bites into acorn and smiles crazily)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
We'll be back after these comercial...  
  
(Toucan Sam is reading when he is hit by a beam which turnsSam black & white.)  
Sam: Oh no! I lost my colors!  
Kids: Oh no!  
Sam: Wait, now I can be a rapper and no one wil argue with me! (raps)  
Kids: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Voice: FInd Sam's colors, for his kids sake  
Kids: Help!  
  
And now we're back... That was fast...  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Sandy: Looks like our master chiefs are so ready for the competition.  
Howdy: There was an old ham name Cappy Mcgee, he went against Boss and he was crazy as he can be!  
Sandy: Umm... Right... Looks like Maxwell is about to anounce what is today's ingredient ganna be.  
Maxwell: (walks up to covered up platter. Pulled off the cover.) Peanuts.  
Sandy: And the competition begins!  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
Laura: So, know who killed that kid?  
Kana: No, I've checked everyone in school and still havn't found any clues.  
Laura: It's only been 10 minutes...  
Kana: I knew that...  
Travis: I've solved the mystery!  
Laura and Kana: You have?  
Travis: He died of thinking to much last year, I looked it up.  
Laura: If he died last year, then why is he still here?  
Travis: The school board was lazy.  
Kana: Wouldn't he have deteriated by now?  
Travis: No, the air in the school which have radio active material have provented that from happening.  
Laura: Wow, and that also explains why I'm growing a flipper.  
Travis: Yep  
Kana: That's so cool!  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
Sandy: Now it's time for the judges to taste the food.  
(Pashmina, Bijou, Dexter, and Oxnard start tasting Cappy's food.)  
Pashmina: Wow, this fried peanut is delishous! How did you get the flavor out so well?  
Cappy: I fried it  
Pashmina: Great strategy!  
Bijou: This penut pizza is a wonderful mix of sweet and spice, Manufeque!  
Cappy: Manu-what?  
Dexter: This peanut cassaraul is excelent! I love how you use your own head hair as an ingrediant.  
Cappy: I didn't...  
Dexter: oh...  
Oxnard: This honey roasted peanut is great!  
Sandy: Next, the judges will taste Boss' food  
(Pashmina, Bijou, Dexter, and Oxnard Start tasting Boss' food)  
Boss: What do you think? Great huh?  
Dexter: Boss, you don't seem to realize that you don't know how to cook...  
Boss: Wait a second... Your right...  
Sandy: All the votes are in.  
Maxwell: (walks up to podiem) The winner is... Cappy!  
Boss: What?!? I thought the Iron Chief also won?!?  
Maxwell: aparently not.  
Cappy: (Raises the roof)  
  
(Later...)  
Hamtaro: (Waiting in Laura's room) where is Laura?  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
Laura: Untie me! Let me go!  
Mermaid King: Sorry my daughter, but the soon to be mermaid queen should get back to the ocean so you can marry a randomly selected prince. I only want the best for my daughter  
Laura: I'm not a mermaid! I'm not your daughter!  
Mermaid King: I'm not falling for that again!  
  
Author's note: I shall make another TV Hamsters episode some day. Well anyways, I need your help this time. In your reveiw, name a common or uncommon Hamtaro belief, like who belongs with who, or why Snoozer is asleep, or why a hamster acts a certain way, any belief. You don't have to participate it this, it'll just help me with the next chapter. Thank you and have a nice day!


	5. Fan Fiction

Disclaimer: Wait, what authority do you have telling me that I have to disclaim my own work? If the creator or the Hamtaro show saw this, they would be happy that they are getting free advertising. Plus I've already done this disclaimer 4 times already! Grrrrr….

Authors note: Hello, I'm flash_fox, the writer of the fic. I know that almost everyone read this is a huge fan of Hamtaro as I am, but I think everyone has noticed the small little things that they might not like about the show. Whether it's the pointless journal book signing in which I call "Hamtaro's final thought", the wacky human characters, or the hamster's ignorance about the world around them. But I, as a sufferer of the No-Life Symdron, saw these as satire gold. So I started this fanfic. But today, I focus on issues more at home at fanfiction.net. Most common fanfic concepts at fanfiction.net are about the beliefs of the fan fiction writer, either who they believe one ham should go with, or why one ham does something. So in today's fic, I shall emphasize these beliefs and some more stuff... Enjoy.

A Very Hamtaro Satire

Episode 5: Fan Fiction

(The hamgals enter the clubhouse. They find only Snoozer there.)

Bijou: Where is everyone?

Sandy: Look! A note! (Picks up note and reads it.)

Dear girls,

All the boys except Snoozer had to go somewhere else today. Cappy is went to the fair with Lady Magnus Prime. Boss followed wondering who Lady Magnus Prime is. Stan fallowed trying to hit on Lady Magnus Prime. Panda was mistaken as a real panda and has been dragged to the zoo. Maxwell is teaching a class of Gerbils, big mistake because they never really got along ever since the rodent wars. Howdy went to a rodeo where he will be riding wild cockroaches. Oxnard lost another sunflower seed in the land of sunflower seeds. Oh yeah, and Dexter is trying to get Dexter from Dexter's laboratory to change his name so he can be the only Dexter. I think that's all… As for me, I'm a figment of your imagination.

From,

Figment

(The letter disappeared from Sandy's hands into thin air)

Bijou: The letter didn't say what happened to Hamtaro.

(Meanwhile…)

Announcer: and the next American Idol is… Hamtaro!

Hamtaro: Ticky Ticky Ticky, when you're in a jam…

(Back at the clubhouse…)

Pashmina: So what are we ganna do?

Penelope: Ookyoo!

Bijou: I dunno…

(Later…)

Penelope: (Saying Ookyoo's in the tune of the Hanson song… forgot what it is called…)

Sandy: Think we can do something else?

Pashmina: Like what?

Bijou: How about we play truth or dare, no?

Penelope: Ookyoo!

Sandy: That sounds like a great idea!

Pashmina: Is it ok if I go first?

Sandy: Sure.

Pashmina: Ok, Bijou truth or dare?

Bijou: Truth

Pashmina: Which ham do you like the most?

Bijou: (thinks)

(Daydream sequence)

(Background music is "Sometimes When We Touch". Hamtaro and Bijou are running in slow motion on the beach. Hamtaro trips on a seashell, both of them tumble downward. Cappy wears the seashell.)

Cappy: Wow, this fits me nicely!

(Hamtaro and Bijou Krmp sunflower seeds together. Hamtaro chokes on one. Cappy appears out of nowhere and dose a hemlock maneuver. When Cappy is done, he wears a sunflower seed shells as a hat.)

Cappy: Wow, this fits me nicely!

(Hamtaro and Bijou are riding a motorcycle together. A bug hits Hamtaro in the face and they fly off the road. Cappy put the bug on his head.)

Cappy: Wow, this fits me nicely!

(Hamtaro are watching a drive in movie. Cappy is in the back seat with the popcorn bucket on his head.)

Cappy: Wow, this fits me nicely!

(Out of daydream sequence)

Sandy: Bijou…

Bijou: (Adoringly) Oh Cappy…

Pashmina: Bijou!

Bijou: Huh? What?

Pashmina: Are you ganna answer the question already?

Bijou: Oh. No one in particular…

Pashmina: Well it's your turn to ask someone Bijou.

Bijou: Ok, I pick Sandy.

Sandy: Truth

Bijou: Why doze Maxwell look like a peanut?

Sandy: Maxwell once told me why. It turns out his baby crib was a peanut shell so he just grew that way.

Everyone in the room besides Sandy: Wow

Sandy: Now it's my turn! Pashmina, truth or dare?

Pashmina: Dare!

Sandy: I dare you to kiss Snoozer!

Pashmina: That's not that hard. (Kisses Snoozer)

(Snoozer wakes up, everyone gasps.)

Snoozer: Thanks; all I needed was a kiss from a princess.

Sandy: Wow, the Snoozing Beauty…

Bijou: Pashmina iz not a princess…

Snoozer: Looks like one to me.

Pashmina: (Blushes)

Sandy: Oh no, don't let him be like my brother!

Snoozer: (To Pashmina) Hey girl, say we go out and make fun of the hypochondriacs

Pashmina: Ok!

Sandy: What about our game?

Pashmina: What game? (Walks towards door) So what is your real name?

Snoozer: My name is Dr. Donedeal of the united clinic of psychiatry, but you can call me Joe Millionaire if you want to.

Sandy: Now what are we ganna do?

Bijou: Why don't we talk till zey get back, no?

Sandy: Ok.

We'll be right back

(Hamtaro eats a Hamster treat)

Gourmet Hamster Treats by container: 50 sunflower seeds

(Hamtaro runs on whiz wheel until Laura leaves)

High-tech whiz wheel: 30 sunflower seeds

(Hamtaro slides down the rain pipe wearing a new hat.)

New hat: 15 sunflower seeds

(Hamtaro runs off to the clubhouse.)

Living everyday an adventure: Priceless

There are some things you don't have to pay for

For everyone else, there's Hamster card.

Howdy: (Brings Pashmina a pink apron.) Don't you think it's the greatest?

Pashmina: Umm… thank you Howdy…

Dexter: (Gives Pashmina a bag of sunflower seeds.) Seeds for a beautiful hamster?

Pashmina: Wow, thanks Dexter, you're the greatest!

Howdy: grr…

(Later, Howdy is on the computer. He is at HREF= . He types in "Sunflowers". Howdy grins. Pashmina wakes to a patch of sunflowers in her house's garden with Howdy in the middle of the patch grinning. Dexter is off in the distance watching angrily)

Do you Yahoo?

(Hamtaro is in the shower when the phone rings. He runs to the phone and answers it.)

Hamtaro: Hello? No you want Hamboppo, not Hamtaro. Well that's un-called for. (Hangs up.)

Call Hamboppo car insurance to save hundreds on your car insurance.

Now we are back

(It's a little later. Bijou and Sandy are at the table with coffee mugs filled with sunflower seed coffee. Penelope is playing with blocks on the floor.)

Penelope: Ookyoo!

Bijou: I wonder how Pashmina thinks of thoze two.

Sandy: Think of whom?

Bijou: Were you even paying attention to me?

Sandy: Oh sorry, I was thinking about Maxwell.

Bijou: For two hours?

Sandy: Yep

Bijou: I was talking about who Pashmina should go with if not Snoozer.

Sandy: Well, there is Howdy and Dexter who seem to like her.

Bijou: I think she should go with Panda.

Sandy: Panda?

(Visualizing)

Panda: Welcome to Wood Time. I'm Panda Taylor and this is my partner Howdy.

Howdy: Odley

Panda: Today, we will use our most commonly used tool, a weird nut thing.

Howdy: (Grabs it) you use it to break holes into cardboard!

Panda: Umm… no…

Howdy: Umm… Yes! (Starts attacking cardboard with nut thing.)

Panda: Ack!

(Later)

Panda: (walks through door) I'm home!

Pashmina: Hello Panda! How was your day at work?

Panda: Not to good. I shouldn't of hired Howdy, I should of known he would be jealous.

Pashmina: Awww, there there. Come on, come over here and give me a kiss.

(Panda walks over to kiss her when…)

Howdy: Wait just a second! I can't allow this to go on any further!

(End of Visualization)

Howdy: This will not go on any further!

Bijou and Sandy: Heke?

Howdy: These wrinkles in my apron are going down! (Irons the apron)

Bijou: What happened to ze rodeo?

Howdy: It finished. Where is Pashmina?

Sandy: She went on a date with Snoozer.

Howdy: What!?! I'm ganna show him! (Storms out.)

Bijou: Hey, isn't every episode supposed to end with the journal book writing?

Sandy: Oh no! How are we ganna do that with Hamtaro gone?

(Later)

(Laura is writing in her journal)

Laura: (thinks what she is writing) Today, we took a trip to the slaughterhouse. Now I'm a vegetarian! Hamtaro looks different tonight.

Bijou: (Kooshi Kooshi) I always wanted to do this.

Laura: Well, we had fun today, and we'll have even more fun tomorrow!

Bijou: Heke

Ok, I didn't touch every topic, but it was a nice go.


	6. Return of the Robin Ham

Sorry to take so long, my dad's computer was being fixed for a while.

Disclaimer: (The Disclaimers of America Union is currently on strike because no one pays them anything. Because of this, I will have to do my own disclaiming.) Ummm… I… I… Don't… Own… wait a second; I've always did my own disclaiming. If a professional did it they would look a lot better! Well anyways, I don't own Hamtaro or any of the other ham hams.

A Very Hamtaro Satire

(There is two references to the song "American Pie" in this story. Try to find them both!)

Episode 6: Return of the Robin Ham

Laura's mom: This family… driving… me… insane…

(Laura wakes and sees her mom next to the bed.)

Laura: Mom? What are you doing?

Laura's Mom: (Stashes away knife. Nothing dear, just waking you up.)

Laura: Good. (Goes to grab her cloths.)

(Laura's mom holds up a gun towards Laura. Laura turns around and she stashes that away too.)

Laura: (Lies down on bed) Still so tired…

(Laura's mom walks up with pillow in hand.)

Laura: Had a bad night again?

Laura's mom: (Recedes with pillow in hand) Yes…

Laura: I've got to go, see yah! (Runs off to school)

Laura's dad: (Walks into room) did you kill that stupid squirrel?

Laura's mom: Girl darling, and no, she to quick. She saw through me.

Laura's dad: (Looks at sleeping Hamtaro) well we can still get the stupid moose.

Laura's mom: Hamster darling

Laura's dad: (Places bomb in Hamtaro's cage. He and Laura's mom runs off.)

Announcer: Is this the end of Hamtaro? Tune in next time for We Serve Smoked Ham or Hamblasto!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We'll Be Right Back

(Pashmina is eating sunflower seed pizza.)

Howdy: You like delivery? I like delivery!

Pashmina: It's not delivery, it's De… It's French.

Howdy: Ha! French pizza! That'll be the day.

Boss: What are you suggesting?!?

Howdy: Gulp…

It's not delivery, it's Degorno

Do you like danger, but don't want to die?

A Boss Look-A-Like: (Nods)

Then you can become a stunt double for A Very Hamtaro Satire!

A Cappy Look-A-Like: (Shows him dodging bullets)

Positions are plentiful and it's 80% safety guarantee. But I bet now you your wondering how you apply.

A Boss Look-A-Like: (Nods)

The number is 1-900-99-I-LOVE-TO-DIE. Call today!

Now we are back

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Announcer: When we last left our heroes, Laura's dad planted a bomb in Hamtaro's cage.

Cage: Boom!

Announcer: …

Hamtaro: (Enters room) Oh darn, there goes another stunt double. Oh well. (Runs to drainpipe. Slides down.) Uh oh, the olive oil I put on this morning for sun protection is causing me to slide even faster… (Flies into Brandy in skull busting speeds.) Uh Brandy?

Brandy: (In other side of yard.) Woof!

Hamtaro: Good, just the stunt double that suffered brain damage. (Runs off to the clubhouse. Hamtaro dashes into the clubhouse. No one is around but Snoozer. Hamtaro looked around curiously.)

Snoozer: If you're looking for the ham hams they are not here. Zu zu zu…

Hamtaro: Where are they?

Snoozer: They shopped at Ross…

Hamtaro: They left without me. They do this every year! Doesn't anyone care about Sid the Sloth?

Snoozer: Zu Zu Zu, what are you talking about? Zu Zu Zu

Hamtaro: Sorry, I was doing shooting for that "The Great Ice Age" fanfic last night and it reminded me of the movie. Well now what am I ganna do?

Snoozer: Stand close to me.

Hamtaro: (Stands next to the sleeping Snoozer.)

Snoozer: now kneel down

Hamtaro: (kneels down)

Snoozer: (Wacks Hamtaro over the head with a cane labeled "The Nova Cane") You won't feel a thing, heh heh heh… (snores)

(Dream Sequence)

King Boss: This is a mighty fine day. I feel like hearing a song. Jester!

Jester [Howdy]: Yes your highness?

King Boss: Wow, nice coat, where did you get it?

Jester: It's a coat a barrowed from James Dean.

King Boss: I would like you to sing for me.

Jester: How about Country music?

King Boss: In a voice that came from you and me?

Jester: Yes. (Starts to sing)

Servant: Here's your sunflower seeds your highness.

King Boss: Yum.

(While the king was looking down, the jester stole his thorny crown.)

King Boss: What the?

Jester: Hahaha! Now I, Howlin magician shall rule supreme!

King Boss: Arg…

Howlin (Howdy): Now this courtroom is adjourned. And no verdict is returned! Everyone out. And Lennon, stop reading that book on Marx! And will someone tell the Quartet to stop practicing in the park!

King Boss: Looks like we'll be singing dirges in the dark…

Howlin: Not today, because this is the day the music shall die!

Bijou: I must find someone who shall save us… (runs off)

(Outside castle a little bit later…)

Bijou: Excuse me kind sir.

Random ham: Well my my Miss American Pie.

Bijou: Do you have transportation? I need a ride.

Random ham: I have a Chevy. Maybe I can drive yah while I'm taking it to the levee. I hope it's not dry. Hey, do you need a place to stay? I know some good old boys. The only problem is they keep drinking whisky and rye and singin' "This will be the day that I die"

Bijou: No thanks.

(Later in the Chevy…)

Bijou: Where are we going?

Random ham: You'll see, heh heh heh…

Bijou: Oh no! Your ganna do something bad to me! (Jumps out of truck and rolls down hill.)

Random ham: Awww… man… I just wanted to take her to Fryer Tucks for Stand Up Comedy night. Darn…

(Later…)

Robin Ham [Hamtaro]: (Leaps from roof top to roof top.) I'm Robin Ham, I steal from the poor and give to the greedy. Or was it steal from the rich and give to the needy… Oh well. (Hops from rooftop to rooftop till he hops on a barn with no roof. Hamtaro or should I say Robin Ham falls onto a soft couch. Oxnard wakes from the disturbance.)

Oxnard: Who are you?

Robin Ham: Why I'm Robin Ham. Sorry I fell through your non-existent roof.

Oxnard: It's ok, at least it's not raining.

(A thunderbolt hits a tree as dark clouds form over Oxnard's barn.)

Robin Ham: So you must be the farmer.

Oxnard: No, I'm the family cow.

Robin Ham: That must be horrible.

Oxnard: Yes, especially the fact that the farmer's hands are always cold. Hey, you're Robin Ham!

Robin Ham: Yep

Oxnard: Can I come with you on your adventures? I can one of the merry hams that your last adventure was lacking.

Robin Ham: Sure

Pepper: What is going on in here?

Oxnard: umm… Hi barn dog Pepper

Robin Ham: Barn dog???

Pepper: Who's your friend?

Robin Ham: I'm Robin Ham!

Pepper: Sorry, but as the barn dog I'm afraid I'm going to have to… Your Robin Ham?

Robin Ham: Yes

Pepper: Wow, your life must be much better than mine. Our owner can't tell the difference from a cow and a hamster. He doesn't even realize this barn is in down town Nottingham.

Robin Ham: Wow…

Oxnard: Well maybe you can come with us/

Pepper: ok

(Later…)

(The trio is traveling through the woods.)

Pepper: We're lost aren't we?

Robin Ham: Where is Oxnard?

Pepper: Gasp!

Robin Ham: (Runs up to camera and stands really close to it. He starts crying.) I would like to apologize to Oxnard owners and Pepper's owners…

Pepper: Wait, he's over there!

Robin Ham: (to pepper) Oh (to camera) Never mind (runs over there)

Oxnard: (Standing looking down)

Robin Ham: What you find?

(Bijou is sleeping on the ground. The three of them stand around Bijou. Bijou wakes jumps when he sees the three of them.)

Robin Ham: Are you all right? (Helps the nervous bijou to her feet.)

Bijou: Yez… Thank you…

Robin Ham: What is your name?

Bijou: I am Maiden Bijouanne

Robin Ham: No offence but that's kind of a strange name.

Bijouanne [Bijou]: Well you try to change a French name into a proper English name in the ten minutez before you first say your name in a dream sequence that is breaking the copyright laws.

Robin Ham: I'm Sorry…

Bijou: It's ok, so who are you three?

Robin Ham: This is Pepper and Oxnard and I'm Robin Ham.

Bijou: Oh you're Robin Ham! You've got to go and help us!

Robin Ham: What's wrong?

Bijou: Howlin the Magician has taken over our kingdom!

Robin Ham: Like last week?

Bijou: Yes

Pepper: Oh no!

Oxnard: What are we ganna do?

Robin Ham: It's ok; let's stop by Fryer Tucks for lunch and then go save the day.

Everyone: Yay!

(Later…)

(The gang or in the restaurant Fryer Tucks.)

Oxnard: I'm glad we stopped here, this place has the best-fried sunflower seeds in England.

Stan: Thank you very much. (Walks off into audience.)

(A masked stand up comic walks onto stage)

Stand-Up Comic: I went down to the gas station to get a smog check, but they didn't give me service because they don't do smog checks on donkeys.

Audience: (Cat calls)

Robin Ham: He sounds familiar…

(Pashmina and Penelope exit the kitchen. Both of them holding trays of food and drink. Penelope is balancing her tray on her head.)

Pashmina: Be careful with that. Don't want to spill.

Penelope: Ookyoo!

Stan: (Walks up to Pashmina) Hey baby, where have you been all my life?

Dexter: I can't let you stay if your ganna flirt with my waitresses!

Stan: Geeze, sorry didn't know it was such a crime.

Stand-Up Comic: I think I'll do a magic trick, but first, I need a volunteer. (Points at Pashmina) How about you?

Pashmina: sure (Walks on stage)

Stand-Up Comic: Now I'm ganna make this girl disappear!

Stan and Dexter: What?!?!?

Stand-Up Comic: (Throws a blanket on here.) Hookus Pockus and she's gone! (Pulls off blanket and Pashmina is gone.)

Stan and Dexter: gasp!

Robin Ham: Wait, your Howlin the magician!

Stand-Up Comic: (Turns into Howlin the magician)

Stan: Gasp!

Dexter: Gasp!

Pepper: Gasp!

Oxnard: Gasp!

Flash_fox: Gasp!

Howlin: Hahahahahaha! I shall marry Pashmina as my queen of England! But first I shall reek havoc on the town because I feel like it. (runs out the door. Screams are heard. Hamtaro, Oxnard, Bijou, and Pepper fallow after.)

Oxnard: Wow, this is complete madness. Maybe we can ask that girl over there for happy news.

Sandy: (singing the blues)

Hamtaro: Are there any happy news?

Sandy: (Smiles and turns away.)

Hamtaro: Let's ask the man in the sacred store

Bijou: Where you heard the music play before?

Hamtaro: Yep.

Oxnard: No, I checked there and the man there said the music doesn't play.

Hamtaro: What dose that have to do with anything?

Oxnard: I dunno…

(In the streets the children screamed)

Sandy: Maxwell, are we ganna die.

Maxwell: Now Sandy, let's have some hope. Here, I'll dream up a poem to calm you down.

Hamtaro: Shh… Maybe if no words are spoken, it'll go away.

Oxnard: No, see the church bells are all broken, the monks of a vow of silence.

Pepper: This seems like a verse of the song "American Pie". (Pepper is all alone.) What the… (Runs to random hamster.) Where are the three hams I admire most?

Random Ham: The father, son, and the holy ghost?

Pepper: No… Robin Ham, Oxnard and Bijouam.

Random Ham: They took the last train to the coast.

Pepper: That's not where they went…

Random Ham: The day the music died.

Pepper: … Heke?

Random Ham: And we were singin'.

(Cappy, Jingle, Panda, and Snoozer appear)

Random Ham, Cappy, Jingle, Panda, and Snoozer: (sing in tune of final chorus of song "American Pie")

Bye Bye Miss 12th Century pie

Drove the buggy

The horses tuggie

To meet the that steel wielding guy

We found Oxnard keeping a hungry eye

Saying "I'll eat till the day that I die"

Pepper: Oh there they are. (Runs towards Hamtaro, Oxnard, and Bijou.)

(Later)

(The gang is outside the castle grounds.)

Hamtaro: Ok, we sneak through the garage door. We go through the kitchen and into the living room. In the living room, there should be a stairway in which will lead to the main room where we will strike at Howlin the magician.

Flash_fox: Sound's like my house…

Everyone: Shut up FF!

Hamtaro: Any questions?

Oxnard: Can I…

Hamtaro: No, we don't have time to eat out of the fridge.

Oxnard: darn…

(Later while they are sneaking around the base…)

Robin Ham: Now watch out for falling ob… (safe falls on him) 

Bijou: Robin Ham! (Bad joke in 5)

Robin Ham: What? (Bad joke in 4) 

Bijou: Huh? I thought you were under the safe… (Bad joke in 3)

Robin Ham: Just a stunt double (Bad joke in 2)

Bijou: Phew, I'm glad your safe. (Bad joke in 1)

Robin Ham: I thought I wasn't…

Bijou: huh?

Robin Ham: We better get a move on.

(They climb the stairs. They hear screaming.)

Pepper: What is that screaming?

Oxnard: I dunno but I don't like it.

Robin Ham: They must be torturing someone.

Bijou: Maybe it's Tortured Artist.

(They make it to the top of the stairs and as they open the door slowly…)

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We'll be right back

Tonight on Stanley Bravo, Stan is having some troubles on is latest date.

Stan: Why do you look so much like a gerbil baby?

Gerbil: because I am a gerbil.

Stan: oh boy…

All tonight on Fartoon Network!

And now we are back. Aren't you glad our commercials aren't the long?

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(They walk through the door and see Howlin on a table with the Chika Chika Ninjas doing cats cradle.)

Robin Ham: heke?

Chika Ninja Boss: Now to stage three!

Howlin: Not stage three…

Chika Ninja Boss: Jump Rope!

Howlin: NOOOO!

(After the Chika Ninjas have beaten Howlin…)

Boss: Thanks for saving out kingdom.

Chika Ninja Boss: No problem

Pashmina: You were really good Chika Ninja Pashmina.

Chika Ninja Pashmina: Yeah.]

Stan: Yep, she's one heke of a chika.

Dexter: (Hits Stan over the head with a mallet.)

Boss: (Sees Bijou with Robin Ham) What!?!? Robin Ham trying to take my girl!

Robin Ham: Uh oh…

Boss: (hits Robin Ham over the head.)

(End Dream Sequence)

Boss: (Shakes Hamtaro) wake up little guy. Sorry we left without you.

Hamtaro: I had the strangest dream, and you were there, and you were there, and you were there… Hey, nice coat bijou.

Bijou: Thanks! I got it at Ross.

Hamtaro: Nice cap cappy.

Cappy: Thanks! I got it at Ross.

Hamtaro: Nice mittens Pashmina.

Pashmina: Thanks! I got it at Ross.

Hamtaro: Nice tie Dexter.

Dexter: Thanks! I got it at Ross.

Hamtaro: Nice shoes Howdy.

Howdy: Thanks! I got it at Ross.

(An unknown ham enters the clubhouse)

Hamtaro: Who are you?

Unknown Ham: My name is Ross and someone stole all my cloths!

(Joke stolen from Tortured Artist)

(Later in the journal signing…)

Laura: I was able to kick my parents out of the house and I found my real parents tied up in the basement.

Hamtaro: Heke?

Laura: No no, you're supposed to tell what you did, then I say how tomorrow will be better then the heke.

Hamtaro: Oh yeah. I dreamt that I was Robin Ham and we did a lot of pointless stuff.

Laura: We had a good day today, and tomorrow will be even better.

Hamtaro: Heke?

Man, that was a long chapter. This chapter was seven pages long! Well, see yah next time!


	7. Breadway

Disclaimer: I don't own Hamtaro. Get over it.

Author's Note: I make many references to my old comic "Everybody Loves Flash_Fox" in this fic, so if you get confused too much or want to see the comic, the link is in my profile.

Edit: I've changed it so it doesn't say you went to the football game Cheerleader Bijou. I'm sorry if the idea of you cheerleading a football game offended you. I don't see how I called you a boy, but just in case I find it in the mere future, I'm sorry for that too.

A Very Hamtaro Satire

By Flash_fox

Chapter 7: Breadway

(Laura wakes and Hamtaro wakes and everything is peachy when…)

Laura: Guess what Hamtaro! Our workplace is having a musical!

Hamtaro: Musical?

Laura: Yes Musical!

Hamtaro: ...

Laura's Mom: Laura! It's almost 5:30 AM! Your ganna be late for work!

Laura: Sorry I can't take you with me while I'm doing child labor Hamtaro. See ya! (Runs out of her room.)

Hamtaro: Now it's time to go to the clubhouse. (Runs behind bed. No hole in the wall.) Rats, I should of known they would link that rat problem to this hole… Now how will I get out… I know! (Run downstairs and out the wide open door. He jumps in the controls of a wrecking ball and through the magic of television could operate it properly. He smashes a hole into Laura's room. Then Hamtaro climbs out of the controls, runs into the house and escapes from the giant hole in Laura's room. He slides down the drainpipe and lands on the debris covered Brandy.) You should take a bath Brandy, you look a little dirty. (Runs off to the clubhouse)

(Meanwhile at a local walnut farm…)

Mr. Yoshi: Laura, Kana, you go with the harvesting crew. Fat kid who appeared out of no where and accidentally tore Kana's drawing which lead to a pointless thing where Laura thought Kana was angry at her in "Be Brave Cappy", you go sort out the hay.

Fat kid who appeared out of no where and accidentally tore Kana's drawing which lead to a pointless thing where Laura thought Kana was angry at her in "Be Brave Cappy": Umm… don't mind me asking sir, but why do we need hay on a walnut farm?

Mr. Yoshi: (Long pause) You fired Fat kid who appeared out of no where and accidentally tore Kana's drawing which lead to a pointless thing where Laura thought Kana was angry at her in "Be Brave Cappy".

Fat kid who appeared out of no where and accidentally tore Kana's drawing which lead to a pointless thing where Laura thought Kana was angry at her in "Be Brave Cappy": Awww man…

Mr. Yoshi: Remember, everyone in the musical meets after work tonight. That's 10:30 PM sharp!

(Everyone goes where they are supposed to be.)

Laura: I'm so excited! Tonight, I audition. Tomorrow, opening night.

Kana: They don't give ya that much time…

Laura: Well this is only a two-part chapter.

Kana: That's so cool!

(Meanwhile back at the clubhouse…)

Hamtaro: Laura is doing a musical at her school!

Everyone: (Thinks: Like we care but since we are being paid a hefty salary for this…) Wow.

Hamtaro: Maybe we can make our own musical!

Boss: Eh, nothing better to do.

(A little bit later…)

Maxwell: In order for us to make a parody of the musical "Cats", we need a writer. Now who's its ganna be?

Howdy: How about that Shakespeare guy?

Maxwell: Long since dead.

Howdy: Shucks.

Cappy: How about Lady Magnus Prime?

Boss: Who's Lady Magnus Prime?

Maxwell: She's too busy dating Snoozer.

Cappy: What?!?! (Runs out door.)

Boss: How about that Katy-Chan?

Maxwell: Too busy hugging Stan.

Bijou: What about Tortured Artist?

Maxwell: No, he's being tortured.

Dexter: What about Pashmina Fan?

Maxwell: Fanning down Pashmina.

Howdy: Cheerleader Bijou?

Maxwell: She's preparing for the cheerleading meet.

Oxnard: How about Joe Mellow?

Maxwell: Too mellow.

Howdy: What about that RoseSandrock?

Maxwell: I dunno… But I know that if we don't get a writer, this story will be a kingdom of bloopers (Pun intended)

(The show "Everybody Loves Flash_fox" plays on the TV. Penelope is watching it.)

On the TV:

FF: LFF, no!

LFF: Woah…

(Picture on Crystal from Star Fox adventures on FF's computer.)

LFF: …

FF: (blushes)

Penelope: Ookyoo!

Boss: Penelope, I don't think that's a show for little hamsters.

Howdy: What about that Flash_fox guy?

Maxwell: The one writing the fic?

Howdy: No, the one who used to do this show.

Maxwell: Well, he hasn't worked since that show went out of popularity…

Hamtaro: I'll call him! (Runs to phone.)

(Meanwhile, in pretty much another universe…)

FF: (Walks into his home.)

LFF: (At table) Hey dad.

FF: Any calls while I was gone?

LFF: Lord Boshi orders a pizza.

FF: I ment calls to this house.

LFF: Where do you think LB ordered?

LB: Where's my pizza!

Foxy: (Walks down the stairs wearing a shirt saying "Frisbee champ, some year-some other year") Hey dad!

FF: Hey Foxy

Foxy: Can we go to the nearest thrift store FF?

LB: You mean the hippie shop?

Foxy: Yeah

FF: Can you do it LFF? Hamtaro is on.

LFF: Sigh… ok…

FF: (Turns on TV.)

(Shows Hamtaro picking up the phone.)

Hamtaro: What is flash_fox's number again?

(Catches the attention of everyone in FF's house except LB who is eating pizza and nachos)

Maxwell: The number is 328-3369.

Oxnard: How did you remember that one so fast?

Maxwell: I just remember that it means FAT-FFOX.

Hamtaro: (Dials)

(Everyone in FF's house except LB who is testing FF's rocket launcher jumped when the phone rang. FF picks it up.)

Flash_Fox: Hello… Yes I'm FF

Hamtaro: Darn… busy… (Hangs up)

LFF: Wait, then who is FF talking to?

Flash_Fox: Well yes I'm interested in car insurance.

LFF: (Takes phone) NO HE ISN'T! (Hangs up phone.)

Flash_Fox: Why did you do that?

Foxy: The last time you bought car insurance; we had to sell the Fonz.

(Meanwhile in a medical class…)

(Fonzy is an assistant for a teacher.)

Teacher: To get rid of the Luke worm, first you cover the seat with honey and sit on it.

Fonz: Aye! You don't tell the Fonz to sit on it!

(Now back to FF's house…)

LB: You had the Fonz?

FF: I always collect American idols.

Simon: This joke is so bad, if you were in the dark ages they would of stoned you.

FF: You da man Simon!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We'll be right back

Oxnard, holding a cheese is cornered by a cat. Oxnard shivers in fear. The cat takes the cheese.

Oxnard: What the? Oh no, you did not just take my cheese. (Attacks cat. Runs off with cheese.)

Ah the power of cheese.

And now we're back

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back to the clubhouse…)

(FF and LB walk through the entrance of the clubhouse.)

FF: Nothing like going through a mind mending portal to another universe. (Sees Howdy) Hi… uh… I forgot your name… What's your name?

Howdy: Howdy

FF: Hi, what's your name?

Howdy: Howdy

FF: Hi, what's your name?

Howdy: Howdy!

FF: … (To Pashmina) What's his name?

Pashmina: Howdy

FF: Oh don't you start.

Pashmina: No, his name is Howdy.

FF: oh… (towards Howdy) Hi Howdy

Howdy: Howdy

FF: Oh now you tell me your name!

Everyone in the room (Sweat drop)

FF: Ok, I've already decided on where the musical will take place. The Starbucks theatre of Starbucks street of Starbucks city. The humans will be doing a play contest there tomorrow night.

Hamtaro: But the humans can't understand us hamsters.

FF: Then we'll add subtitles and call it an Ophra.

Maxwell: Don't you mean an Opera?

FF: Sure, what did I say?

Sandy: But how are we ganna memorize all those verses and stuff in that little time?

FF: Hey, if Laura can do it in 10 minutes in "The Glass Slipper Chase", then we can do it in two days.

Everyone: Oompa!

LB: Gah!

FF: What's wrong?

LB: There aren't any windows, how are we ganna get out?

FF: There is a door.

LB: Door? No one uses doors anymore.

To Be Continued

Author's note: If you feel embarrassed or offended by anything said or done in this fic, remember that I didn't mean any harm to you and please don't hurt me. If you would like an apology, ask for it in a review and I'll post it with the next chapter. (Oh BTW, I am a guy.)


	8. The Producers

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the ham hams or fanfic titles in this fic. The only way to do so is to go back in time before the first book was first written and claim it for my own.

Authors note: Since I'm not sure if Cheerleader Bijou got this or not, here is a formal apology edited into the last chapter: 

"I've changed it so it doesn't say you went to the football game Cheerleader Bijou. I'm sorry if the idea of you cheerleading a football game offended you. I don't see how I called you a boy, but just in case I find it in the mere future, I'm sorry for that too."

As for Pahminafan, I'm sorry if you were offended by the idea of fanning Pashmina.

A Very Hamtaro Satire

By Flash_fox

Chapter 8: The Producers

(It's morning, Foxy walks down the stairs and jumps when she sees a fat fox cooking breakfast.)

Foxy: Woah!

Fat fox: It's me! Your Uncle Buck!

Foxy: I have an Uncle?

LFF: I didn't know either.

Lord Shorty: (Give an I dunno sign)

Uncle Buck: Good morning everyone! (Presents giant pancakes) Wait till you see the toast, I couldn't even get it through the door!

(Meanwhile at Hamtaro's house…)

(It is 4:00 Am. Laura and Hamtaro are sound asleep when they wake to the 5-foot tall alarm clock standing in the corner of the room.)

Laura: (Crawls out of bed) I've got to get a new alarm clock.

(Laura changes into her work cloths and leaves. Hamtaro wakes)

Hamtaro: Ugh… we have the musical today don't we? If you said yes, you're talking to the computer haha… (Gets up and walks out the giant hole in laura's wall. He Ticky Ticky Tickys on The Hot Tin Roof. Hamtaro slides down the drainpipe and lands on Brandy. He tickies off.)

(Later when Hamtaro reaches the clubhouse…)

(The hamhams are buzzing with excitement.)

Boss: In honor of our first musical, I present you the Clubhouse Rock! (Places a Opal rock on the floor.)

Bijou: Aquamarine would be better.

Boss: Aquamarine it is! (Picks up Opal and runs off.)

Stan: Hey Pashmina baby, where have you been all my life?

Sandy: Stan!

Stan: Oops, I Flirted Again. Oh well, I still have my skateboard! (Skateboards away)

Sandy: (Sigh)

FF: So I was at my best friend's wedding when he screamed out "I have to many people at My Big Fat Slobobian Wedding!" So to calm him down, I told him The Weirdest Hamtaro Love Story Ever! Hey Rurouni Hamtaro!

Hamtaro: It's Hamtaro!

FF: Whatever. How about instead of a musical, we can have a Ham Ham Tournament!

Everyone: Nah

FF: You did in the burnfist fic… Oh well. 

LB: Hey Maxwell, I have a question.

Maxwell: Yes LB?

LB: What Do HamHams and Their Owner Dream About?

Maxwell: …Wha?

LB: You don't know?

Maxwell: I'm not psychic.

LB: You're a fraud!

Sandy: Watch it LB!

LB: Ok, I'll let this one go, but I'm Watching You…

Maxwell: Can we get to the musical please!

FF: Right. I'm thinking of doing a musical version of Romax and Sandiet.

Everyone: Nah

FF: What's wrong with it?

Dexter: the ZeroX guy would sew.

Howdy: We would be Jailhouse Hams!

FF: Oh… Well maybe we can use this idea. The ham hams go to Britain in an all out comic adventure! We can call it Welcome to Britain!

Everyone: Nah…

FF: how about we do A Really Funny Hamtaro Parody.

Pashmina: I think that's been done already…

LB: Butterflies! (Runs into picture of butterflies, fall flat on his face.)

Maxwell: (Looks at LB) Fate of the Fallen…

FF: Oh! We can do a musical about nothing!

Everyone: Nothing?

Cappy: I dunno about that idea…

FF: Well it's my decision!

(Meanwhile at the walnut farm…)

(Mr. Yoshi yells out who got what parts.)

Mr. Yoshi: And the lead part goes to… Laura!

Laura: Yes!

Mr.Yoshi: Now I send the names to… wait a second… Kylie…

Kylie: Yes Mr. Yoshi?

Mr. Yoshi: Your last name isn't on here. What is your last name?

Kylie: I don't have a last name.

Mr. Yoshi: What?!?

Kylie: It's kinda like Shar.

Laura: I can't believe I made the starring roll!

Kana: It's just a cat Laura…

Laura: Cats are cool, one tried to eat my hamster once.

Kana: That's so cool!

(A little bit later at the clubhouse…)

(FF is directing everyone)

LB: (Walks up to Oxnard.) Hey Oxnard

Oxnard: Yes?

LB: You remember at the audition earlier? Well you remember the box of sunflower seeds? When you left from the audition, the box was gone and I was wonder if you…

Oxnard: What auditions?

LB: …good point…

FF: Ok everyone! Let's get this over with! We have 5 hours till the musical contest so let's get this on! (Turns on music from the movie Rocky)

(At the contest since I'm running out of ideas to do on the rehearsals…)

(Everyone is seated)

Host guy: Because of an incident with a toaster, only two musicals will be showing tonight.

FF: Told you rigging that toaster was a good idea.

The ham hams: Ssssh!

Host guy: The two producing groups are Yoshi Walnut Production Plant and FF is Super Cool Ham Ham Opera Service. Now let's start with the Yoshi one with their musical Cats: The Baxter Story.

(All actors position them selves on stage.)

(Phone rings)

Kid who sits half asleep behind Laura in class that doesn't exist in this chapter: Umm… maybe we should get that…

Kylie: No!!! Might be your wife!

Kid who sits half asleep behind Laura in class that doesn't exist in this chapter: (Picks up phone) Hello?

Laura: Meow

Kid who sits half asleep behind Laura in class that doesn't exist in this chapter: It's Baxter!

Laura: (Meows to the Meow Mix song)

Kid who sits half asleep behind Laura in class that doesn't exist in this chapter: (When Laura is done) It's Baxter!

(Crowd goes wild.)

FF: That's ganna be a tough one to beat…

Host guy: Next is that FF thing with… their musical thingy…

(The Ham hams position themselves on stage; they stand there for one minute singing the Row Row Row Your Boat. Then they Bow and leave. Crowd goes wild.)

FF: Told you a musical about nothing would work.

Host guy: ok, time to announce the winner. Envelope please. (They give him the envelope. Opens it.) Congratulations, you may have already won a million dollars… Wahoo! I'm rich! (Runs off leap for joy.)

(Later when FF and LB returns home…)

FF: (Walks through door) I'm home!

LFF: (Runs up to FF and gives him a big hug.)

(Turns into an emotional scene. LB walks in and takes off his hat to the sight of the scene.)

FF: Everything is going to be ok from now on.

(The sound of pots and pans falling breaks the silence.)

FF: What was that?

LFF: That's Uncle Buck

FF: You don't have an uncle Buck…

LFF: What?

FF: And that sounds like the pots I keep $200 in.

(Noise of window breaking and car driving off is heard.)

LFF: Awww man… I can't believe I fell for that…

FF: (hugs LFF) It's ok, everything will be all right now.

LFF: FF…

FF: (Stops hugging) sorry…

(Meanwhile in Laura's room…)

Laura: (Writes in journal) I competed in a musical contest.

Hamtaro: I know

Laura: Because of reasons unknown to me, I never got to see my opponent, wonder what they are like.

Hamtaro: That was us and if it weren't for that cheap writing ploy I would of won!

Laura: Well we sure had fun today and I bet we'll have more fun tomorrow don't you think little guy?

Hamtaro: Hekay?

FF: Cut cut!

Hamtaro: What is it now?

FF: it's Heke not Hekay

Laura: How many times do we have to do this scene?

FF: Ok, everyone take 5!

Laura: I'll be in my trailer. (Stomps off)

It's sad that after 9 days this is the best I can come up with… sigh… Well login in next time for Episode 9: The Magic Hambus! See ya then!


	9. Magic Hambus

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this fic. Nope, none of them at all. If I didn't i would be rich which would be so cool!   
  
Author's note: Some of the jokes are hard to catch the first time so be prepared.  
  
A Very Hamtaro Satire  
By Flash_fox  
  
Chapter 9: The Magic Hambus  
(Hamtaro wakes all of the sudden all sweaty. Feels forehead.)  
Hamtaro: Phew Just a dream. Huh? Where's Laura? (Looks out the window, sees chimney with smoke coming out.) Shikaka lit the boiler already? How long have I been asleep? (Runs down stairs. He runs out the door and gets on his skateboard. Runs into Stan, Omar, and Stuckie.) Oh um hi guys!  
Stan: I heard you weren't ganna include us in today's episode of the satire.  
Hamtaro: Umm  
Stuckie: Let's get him!  
(They beam Hamtaro with a hamster treat, steal his Skateboard, and run off.)  
  
(Meanwhile)  
(Bijou is fending off gerbils using a slingshot. She pauses when she hears a screaming. She wakes in her cage. Her cellphone rings and she picks it up.)  
Bijou: Like, hello!  
Sandy: Hey Bijou!  
Bijou: Hey Sandy, what's up?  
Sandy: You must come to the clubhouse quick!  
Bijou: Like whatever!  
  
(Later at clubhouse)  
(Bijou walks into the clubhouse)  
Bijou: What's the problem Pashmina?  
Pashmina: Come with me (They walk to another room)  
Bijou: (Gasp)  
(A bloated Oxnard sits in the middle of the room.)  
Pashmina: Hamtaro smelled like a hamster treat and Oxnard was really hungry and the rest explains itself  
Bijou: (Crying like crazy)  
Oxnard: Hey I'm not that ugly  
  
(Meanwhile)  
(Laura and Kana are walking to school)  
Laura and Kana: Hamtaro  
If we work together it's much better  
My best friend!  
Travis: What's that song you're singin'? Sounds familiar.  
Laura: (blushes) My hamster wrote it  
Travis: If your hamster wrote it, then how do you know it?  
Laura and Kana: (Sweat drop)  
Travis: Hear about the sub today?  
Kana: What happened to Mr. Yoshi?  
Travis: He got fired from that incident with his wife and the broom closet.  
Kana: Oh  
Travis: I heard the sub's name is Mrs. Green.  
Laura and Kana: Mrs. Green!?!  
Laura: I'm scared I wish I had someone to hold me  
Travis: Ummmm maybe next season See ya! (Runs off)  
Laura: (think) not Mrs. Green  
Kana: Isn't Mrs. Green the woman that was exiled from the town?  
Laura: No, that's Mrs. Nevertobeseen.  
Kana: Oh yeah, still dunno why she was exiled.  
Laura: Yeah  
Travis: Hi Kana  
Laura: What are you doing here again?  
Travis: Hi Kana  
Kana: That's so cool!  
Travis: Hi Kana  
Kana: That's so cool!  
Travis: Hi Kana  
Kana: That's so cool!  
Travis: Hi Kana  
Kana: That's so cool!  
Travis: Hi Kana  
Kana: That's so cool!  
Travis: Hi Kana  
Kana: That's so cool!  
Travis: Hi Kana  
Kana: That's so cool!  
Travis: Hi Kana  
Kana: That's so cool!  
Laura: Why do I hang out with you guys  
  
(Meanwhile in Oxnard's stomach)  
(Hamtaro awakens from unconsciousness)  
Hamtaro: Where am I  
Osmosis Jones: I'll tell you where you're not at, and that's my good side.  
Hamtaro: Ah! Chris Rock!  
Jackie Chan: Now now Jones, we must be nice to our animal friends.  
Osmosis Jones: Smooth talking Jackie.  
Jackie Chan: Good, our job is done. Now I must go home to Katy Chan, she's waiting for family game night to begin.  
  
(Meanwhile at Jackie's house)  
Katychan: He's late I hope he's sorry, because he's ganna be playing it.  
Guy in costume of Sorry Pawn: He better get here, this suit is making me sweat.  
  
(Meanwhile)  
Osmosis Jones: Hello, Hamster.  
Hamtaro: Huh?  
Osmosis Jones: Do you speak-a any English.  
Hamtaro: Huh?  
Osmosis Jones: Do you understand what is coming out of my mouth?  
(Stomach cramp accurs)  
Osmosis Jones: Aaaah! Duck and cover!  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
We'll be right back  
  
Hamswap saleswoman: Hey there. Come on down to your local hamswap traveling vender to gain a price reduction of one sunflower seed! And we guarantee that you will get the best quality junk I mean items we have! See ya there!  
  
Hamtaro: Hello I'm Hamtaro here to tell you about a possible new fic called Sitting Hams! Watch me, Bijou, Boss the Field hamster, and all my friends ride skateboards, mess up said skateboards, paint posters, mess up said posters, play acorn soccer. Actually we pretty much do everything but sit. Who named this fic any ways? Sitting Hams, coming late August only on fanfiction.net!  
(Note, it's not official that I'll do this fic, but there is a good chance I will do it when I get back from my trip. Just hope someone wont steal the idea by the time I get back)  
  
And we are back  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
(Meanwhile in clubhouse)  
(Everyone in room is ducking and covering because Oxnard's stomach is shaking the room.)  
Oxnard: Sorry guys, it's been cramping today  
Maxwell: Well, you better miss school today and stay in the other room till that clears up.  
Oxnard: ok (Walks into other room hiding a smirk)  
Cappy: (Rings bell) School time everyone in their seats!  
  
(Meanwhile in the school room)  
Maxwell: Ok, it's time for roll call! Mark Oxnard and Hamtaro absent on counts of illness and getting eaten alive.  
Bijou: (Sniff)  
Maxwell: Something wrong Bijou?  
Bijou: Just wondering if this was the right perfume for today  
Maxwell: Bijou!  
Bijou: Bonjwa!  
Maxwell: Spell it right next time Boss!  
Boss: Present!  
Maxwell: Bomber man!  
Bomber Man: Yah  
Maxwell: umm Boshi, Lord  
Lord Boshi: I had a turtle once  
Maxwell: Burnfist!  
Burnfist: I like cheese  
  
(20 minutes later)  
Maxwell: Cappy!  
Cappy: Present!  
  
(21 minutes later)  
Maxwell: Kirby!  
Kirby: Puyo!  
Maxwell: Captain Kirk!  
Kirk: Star date 8976589. I'm in some sort of strange place where creatures gather to feast on strange sunflower seed shaped objects.  
Maxwell: Riiiight.  
  
(25 minutes later)  
Maxwell: Pashmina!  
Howdy: here!  
Maxwell: No no, I called Pashmina  
Howdy: uh I knew that  
  
(35 minutes later)  
Maxwell: Zyzzycianarian!  
Zyzzycianarian: (Waves tentacles)  
Maxwell: Well, that completes roll call. For today's class, we shall take a field trip in the magic ham bus to a location that I've scientifically choose using elements of excitement and thrill.  
  
(Before at Maxwell's place)  
Maxwell: (Throws dart at board covered with field trip ideas.) Wow, FF's advice is very helpful  
  
(Back to Ham Ham underground school)  
Maxwell: We are going to field trip into Oxnard's stomach!  
Everyone: yay!  
  
(Meanwhile in the room Oxnard is sleeping in)  
(Sparkle sneaks in the room quietly)  
Sparkle: Hamtaro just had to show me up in Pop Star, well I'll show him. I'll make sure he doesn't show me up on anymore episodes named after Kirby locations every again hahahahahaha!!!!!  
Oxnard: (Rolls over) Pepper Sunflower seeds zuzuzu Pepper Sunflower seeds zuzuzu  
Sparkle: (Snaps on blue gloves, mask, and Surgeon's coat. Takes out shot and ejects into Oxnard.)  
Cappy: (Walks into room) Oxnard do you like your cappuccino with cream or Aaaah! Frankinfurger! I mean Sparkle!  
Sparkle: (Dashes past and excapes.)  
Boss: Who let her in? Thought we knew not to trust her after those two dream sequences.  
Maxwell: No matter, you must go to the magic hambus immediately!  
(The ham hams run out of the room. Sabu enters.)  
Sabu: Don't worry Hamtaro old buddy, I'm here to help. (Gives Oxnard a shot, then leaves.)  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Author's note: Man... I was hoping to get more done than that... I have to go on a 21 day trip to Brittain and Ireland on the 16th and I was hoping to actually have this done by then but from the looks of things I won't get it done... I hope this will hold you guys over till I get back. Sorry for the inconvenience...


	10. Osmosis Hamtaro

Disclaimer: I don't own hamtaro or the ham hams so help me god.  
  
Anchor man: We interupt this satire for some breaking news in the Dr. Heke vs the captain and a seal. We go to Steven U Doedoehead for the details.  
(Steven is standing in a courtroom)  
Steven: Well It's the bottem of the 9th of August and the base of the witness bench is loaded as FF was called up to testify. The defence makes his pitch... and FF hits him with a bat! He runs from the base of the witness stand to the first base! Now he is running to second! The bailiff throws the night stick towards third but FF incredibly makes it to third safe and now he is stealing home base! He goes for a slide and... He lands a home run! FF wins the game! Just watch those bailiffs carry FF off! This is a night to remember! Back to you Bob!  
Anchor man: Thanks Steven. Now back to our regular program.  
  
A Very Hamtaro Satire  
By Flash_fox  
  
Chapter 10: Osmosis Hamtaro  
(Laura shivers as she enters class. She spots the infamous Mrs. Green standing in front of the chalk board. She's green and scally and looks like a dragon. She burns her name into the chalk board as Laura sits in her seat.)  
Mrs. Green: Hello class (snickers) are you ready for some fractions?  
(Everyone gasps remembering the book this scene is parodying.)  
Mrs. Green: Come up here Kana.  
(Kana gulps and stands next to Mrs. Green)  
Mrs. Green: Do you know fractions Kana?  
Kana: (shivering) no...  
Mrs. Green: ok, then let's do the problem on the board as a class!  
(Kana screams and runs out the door)  
Mrs. Green: (Dose problem on the board) So you see, when you divide a fraction, you have to multiply it by it's reciprical.  
Class: (Shivers)  
Mrs. Green: Now who can spell really well? Hehe! I made a rhyme!  
Class: (Shivers again)  
  
(Meanwhile in the clubhouse...)  
(The ham hams have boarded the Magic Hambus.)  
Dexter: This is one fine bus!  
Howdy: Brought to you by Scholastics for Hams, pubilishers of Harry Otter and Humamorphs!  
Dexter: What did you say? It better not be another one of your jokes Howdy!  
Howdy: It was nothing (grins)  
Maxwell: Let's get on moving!  
Ham Hams: Oompa!  
(The magic hambus shrinks and flies into Oxnard's mouth. They go down the throat. Howdy the driver lets go of the wheel.)  
Maxwell: Umm... Howdy? I think you should keep on holding the wheel...  
Howdy: I've seen this episode of The Magic School Bus and Mrs. Frizzle let go of the wheel too.  
Dexter: Still into The Magic School bus Howdy? Maybe you should just go play with your dolls.  
Howdy: I'd have you know that we're in a cartoon!  
Dexter: Not at the moment. So you better grow up or go to the kiddle charale cowboy.  
Howdy: (Ravin') Why I outta...  
Maxwell: Howdy! Look out!  
(The schoolbus reached the end of the throat to find a big dark pit.)  
Howdy: Aaaah! We're ganna fall right in!  
(The bus falls out of the throat and into the pit, the ham hams scream.)  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
(Hamtaro wakes up to find a white blood cell. It looked exactly like Harmony from Ham Ham Heartbreak, but clear like.)  
White blood cell: oh you are awake, that means you'll be just fine.  
Hamtaro: Harmony...?  
White blood cell: No my name is Melody. Or as some people call me as Cellody.  
Hamtaro: Heke?  
Melody: please rest, you need you're strenth.  
Hamtaro: Where am I?  
Melody: You are in the EAC, East Artery Current. I saw you nearly get crushed to death in the stomach so I took you here.  
(Hamtaro notices he's riding on a red blood cell in a highway of red blood cells.)  
Melody: Ever since Sabu injected me into Oxnard, I've been looking for you.  
Hamtaro: Heke?  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
(The ham hams are floating on a sunflower seed shell in the dark.)  
Howdy: I can't believe we lost the bus!  
Maxwell: It seems we're on some ocean of some sort...  
Dexter: But Maxwell, arn't we still in the stomach?  
Maxwell: I thought we were...  
Pashmina: Maxwell! I thought I saw something moving in the water!  
Cappy: Land ahoy!  
(They hit land and exit ship, they see a large door with inscription on it)  
Maxwell: Hmmm... It's Hamchat. It says Speak Friend and enter  
Boss: What dose it mean?  
Maxwell: It means that if we are friends we say the password. OPEN SESAMEE...   
(Nothing happens)  
Maxwell: hmmm... I'll have to rethink this (sits down, puts on long grey pointy hat)  
Cappy: (looks at it) It's a riddle... Hey Max, what's the hamchat word for ?  
Maxwell: Hamigo  
(Doors open, they walk inside. A long tenticle grabs Cappy.)  
Dexter: Oh no! It has the ring berrer!  
(All the other ham hams look oddly at dexter)  
Dexter: never mind...  
Sandy: (Aims bow and arrow and hits the tentical holding cappy. Cappy is free!)  
Maxwell: Wow, nice shot!  
Sandy: thanks (feels now pointy ears)  
(More tenticals pop out of the water and they are forced to go into the cave.)  
  
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We'll be right back  
  
Toucan kids: No thanks to you viewers for you did completly nothing to get Sam's colors back!  
Sam: (Rapping)  
Evil Peacock: No more! (Give Sam's colors back)  
Toucan Kids: yay! now the frootloops! (holds up frootloops)  
Narrarator: What new frootloops are inside? Vote for what color you want in your reviews [yes, I'm serious. Make it a really rediculus color.]  
Sam: Frootloops, it's magically delicious!  
Lucky: I'll get you Sam!  
  
Speaker: Hello I'm a random fix it guy supporting our new product Oxyclean. This new product will get stains out of your cloths in minutes! (Takes out Oxnard from cage)  
Oxnard: please be gentle this time...  
Speaker: Just simply rub gentlely on the stain (Wipes cloth with Oxnard)  
Oxnard: Ack! I thought you used fabric softener....  
Speaker: And the stain is gone!  
Oxnard: Wow... Didn't work yesturday...  
Speaker: Call now and you can get the Oxyclean brush and you'll also get the Bossclean from counters!  
Boss: (Being used to scrub a shower) I hate my job...  
Speaker: Order today!  
Side note voice over: The makers of Oxyclean is not responcible if bitten or charge of animal cruelty.  
  
And we are back  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
(Hamtaro and Melody appear in the stomach)  
Hamtaro: What are we doing here?  
Harmony: I heard from reports that your friends were spotting in the stomach.  
Hamtaro: The ham hams came to rescue me?  
Harmony: I guess so...  
(An explosion is heard. A virus that looks like spat appears.)  
Harmony: Oh no! It's Spit!  
Hamtaro: Heke?  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
(The ham hams make it out of the cave)  
Maxwell: (Holding up a map) Now we head through he forest to reach civalization.  
Howdy: How did you get a map?  
Cappy: I got it when I traded a ring from a Cracker Jack box for it from some guy named Golem.  
Maxwell: Onward!  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
(Laura wakes)  
Kana: Have you fallen asleep again? You missed Mr. Black's lecture.  
Laura: Mr. Black?  
Kana: Yes, Mrs. Green was sick. Oh well, you didn't miss much, he talked about his horror novels.  
(Teaching the class is the one and only gabriell black. Laura runs up to him and hugs him. The class stares at Laura.)  
Laura: (Walks back to seat blushing in embarrassment)  
Kana: Why did you do that?  
Laura: I have no idea...  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
Maxwell: ok... we're in the middle of the woods...  
(A giant beatle appears and stares at them)  
The ham hams: Aaaah!  
Beatle: Who are you?  
Maxwell: We... We are the ham hams, we are friends of Oxnard's... We must go now...  
Beatle: Friends of Oxnards eh? My children wouldn't eat Oxnard, but how can I stop them when a meal comes so willingly? Good bye friends of Oxnard.  
(Beatles come down from everywhere)  
Howdy: Do you know some sort of spell to stop them Max?  
Maxwell: What do I look like, Harry Potter?  
(The Magic Hambus comes stage left. The ham hams board the bus and Howdy floors it. They reach civalization where they nearly run over Hamtaro.)  
Hamtaro: Ham hams?  
Ham hams: Get in! Quick!  
(Hamtaro gets in, the beatles aproaching)  
Spit: ...This is out of my leage...  
(The magic Hambus goes to flight mode, andflies out of the stomach and through the belly button. The bus goes to normal size.)  
  
(Later...)  
Oxnard: (in bed) I feel fine now, I have a small stomach ache.  
(Everyone giggles)  
Oxnard: I think I'll eat this green apple (Picks up Cappy and swallows him whole)  
The ham hams: 0.0  
Bijou: Here we go again!  
THE END (Finnally!)  
  
Promo:  
Hamtaro: Hi, I'm Hamtaro!  
Laura: And I'm Laura!  
Hamtaro: The Ham Hams go on strike because of lack of sunflower seeds, except Cappy.  
Laura: Oh no! How can the show go on with just one ham ham?  
Hamtaro: Don't worry, Cappy agreed to do all the characters  
Laura: Well this is going to be interesting...  
Hamtaro and Laura: Next time, Cappy Cappy Cappy see ya there!  
  
Author's Note: Phew, after many months, finnally got myself to write this. It's just school got in the way, and my social life was having some adjustments too. I'm hoping to get my writting back in track. See ya next time! (Don't forget to vote on the frootloop color)  



End file.
